July 23, 2023 Ocean Heart-Art.

It didn't turn out as well as the 1st one, but since I am embracing my imperfections and the creative process, I won’t stop to make this “better”.

As I post this, I try to release all the people in my life who have body-shamed me. I’m showing up anyway. It’s been rough learning how to love my body, which is probably why I’m hiding behind a piece of paper … I’m partially here, which is progress on this journey of being fully Here.

But I look like I am having so much FUN, you say. Read on.

There are obviously so many more horrible things happening in the world, so I’ve never seen the point of diving into my little, big body-image issues, and the way I have morphed into different sizes over the decades. But now I really believe that humans evolving has to be about expanding our Heart spaces, so this is me stepping into my heart, taking photos and holding that space. I would so much rather someone else did this.

This post is for several things …

— it’s for the teenager me who didn’t know how to embrace loving my body, whatever size.

— it’s having compassion for me for still getting stuck in this place.

— it’s having compassion for our 1960’s moms who didn’t know how to prepare a daughter for life other than having her be perfectly beautiful. Because physical beauty solves everything. I have never thought so. I see now that she just wanted me to be happy.

Is it too late to make my writing into a novel instead of memoir-themes? Let’s just say that the movie Dumplin’ is one of my favorites, because that plot is so similar to my relationship with my mother and with myself. The plot is a piece of therapy for me.

My body has been a metaphorical punch bag: women like to make clear to me, to this day, in the most astonishingly direct ways, that they have beat me by being skinny. I’m amazed that in this century women still use their skinniness and looks to make themselves feel good, and other women feel bad. It seems so medieval.

It’s truly terrifying to live on this earth. Which is why I hide out with art and self soothe and hurt myself with the roller coaster weight. What doesn’t help my situation is that I now speak and show in public, because I still believe in doing one new and uncomfortable thing every day.

Happily, when I show up with my art, which was stupidly painful to make, I love trying to Feel my art in my hair, feel the necklace and feel the dress. Maybe the final look isn’t what I was going for, but I really want to Feel more, judge less…

G and I had so much fun in pulling this off. I wish I had recorded all of his laughter and his attempts to get me to relax and laugh more. I’m so grateful for a partner who helps me find Joy, and that not everything needs to be so hard.

Love,

Anne