Day 298 art meditation … Advent calendar door day December 18 …  

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I don’t think you understand just how hard fought my happiness is. How much my art and writing is a lifeline. This extended trip back home was necessary. I needed to know that past old, crappy, patterns of my childhood were not my imagination. I know it’s too late for old people (by which I mean over 80, not over 50 🙂) to change their patterns (programming) completely, but I am grateful for the fact that for my mother, every day is New, and she enters it with an exuberance to do better. I would even add with new Awareness, which is pretty huge. 

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This trip was necessary to test out how thick my heart-space is now, and if I can build Mom’s up. I truly believe that the pissed side of her is only her ego. Which is how you get favorite children, I now realize … I’m never the favorite because I make Mom do inner work, inner work she doesn't want to do. Is she noticing that once her balloon ego is popped, she is actually fine, there is this whole heart in there…

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This is my true purpose: poke at your ego. WITH my heart.

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What’s amazing to me is that even at age 54-½, I still crumble into silence, and I have to be careful about not holding onto the tired weepiness as my ongoing old identity on this vacation. If Mom is going to try harder, then I must too. 

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In spite of everything dark that passed (see dark art), I love this house. Sharing photos of some mini views of my parent’s house, the beautiful third floor room, her German Advent straw stars and a red paper mobile I made for her … Our house and everything in it, is our Heart Space.

Xo Anne ◉◎⦿◎◉

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