Okay I'll just say it. I miss my gluten filled recipes. I miss this amazing yeast pizza crust that always felt so satisfying to make because of that rising moment of the dough. I haven't figured out how to be a dual food household to the point where it feels like good rhythm, because I do love cooking for both of us too ... All of which to say that in this process of settling into living in the one diverse household, there are moments when I miss the old way that I was ... It just seemed simpler.
In reality ... A GF pizza does work and the veggie preferences are manageable and of course I can eat fresh salads to give myself that food choice. Every problem has a solution, and we are finding them. There is flow.
Change takes effort ... growing something new takes effort ... I'm just owning up to the tiredness of it all sometimes. And careful not to have my story be that the old way was simpler. It wasn't. The new way is just me and my growing pains. I seem to have deep moments of feeling the transition - this is my resistance towards becoming someone new, and when I see these old photos my brain tells me the before was simpler. I'll just notice this ...
The new way includes a magical man who continues every single day to make me more expansive and a really just better version of myself. I want to say that he is much more magical than I am - his left-brained+right-brained self that creates the Wonder that he is, and my right-brained+right-brained me creates a total fucking disaster. But this can't be true, and my left brain is just fine.
One of the ways I think he's magical is that he teaches me the art of being a great team. It doesn't sound very romantic, but that is what Couple-dom breaks down to. So many elements, yes from the sensual and physical but also to the I want to eat some Gluten. Something that RESEMBLES gluten. So tonight we threw together a gf pizza with our fabulous stand alone freezer and fed that desire with an amazing bought crust (which I WILL learn how to make from scratch someday), tomato sauce, his homemade chicken curry thai food as another layer of sauce flavor, mozzarella cheese and fresh basil from our basil plant.
I love realizing in this very post-pizza-eating-moment, that this is why it can be amazing working on a team. And that the team you are working with makes all the difference. This simple thing about wanting a certain kind of food, having a partner who brainstorms about how we can make it and then the mutual satisfaction of loving the meal. 'You started this moment', said he, when all I thought I was doing was whining.
With "team" I mean a two person marriage or partnership team, and wider ... I do think that the same elements apply to the personal life teams and the professional teams, as I continue to put my toe into what could be cold water .... and find warm and balmy ... My own epically slow and careful selection of a man in my life can only reflect what intentional and awake companies go through to select their teams. Test run them all - we do with dating and love and sex - as partners/teams of two. (I even did a test run of the non-monogamous community and it failed, and that is a altogether different post). It is so special to learn here and now why a team can be exceptional, and why it can be flat, or crumble.
There has to a self awareness, an emotional intelligence first. Just like love, connection and contentedness isn't about beauty or money (or the 5,000 fake deal breakers, as G calls them, the superficial things we go for in relationships), good teams are not about the Perfect Appearance or a person's List. There has to be a buoyancy of spirit. There has to be a Seeing, Knowing. An uncomplicated Yes!, a sense of love or liking the thing, maybe a kind of inspiration ... An essential happiness in the setting, no matter what it is ... Even within tiredness, because there will always be tiredness ... A large heartedness too.
Love and connection and amazing new things, whether it's a new relationship or a new team happen the in the most surprising of settings and between the most surprising of combination of humans. It's never the logical conclusion, it's never the straight line, it's never about the Externals. It's not black/ white, rich/poor, beautiful/not-beautiful, educated/non-educated, or same/same. There always has to be that Recognition, that moment of recognition ... And there has to be that mutual belief IN the Yes. I have had the strangest of professional Yes's in my life, where the most amazing careers have happened, but they ONLY happened because who was doing the seeing on the other end, and then just the tiny detail of FINDING EACH OTHER. Doesn't the universe / God just have the most amazing sense of humor.
Back to This Moment. I love that I am having hands-on experiences of magic team connection(s!) in wider places than my head, and that my imagination is matching my outer world, once again ... And more, I love that I can pull this out of me when I am bone tired because my little caterpillar self just became a tiny bit larger today. Grateful to be here, with G and others on my journey ... and all this from a pizza craving. See?? Doesn't is always begin with our body knowledge ...