The other day G and I walked through the SF Botanical Gardens, taking advantage of my amazing birthday gift of a membership there … Taking advantage that I live here and now in such a beautiful place.
My urgency is that these nature outings help me Focus. Extreme beauty reminds me of where I want to go, reminds me of my dreams, reminds me why I moved back to the Bay Area to begin with. It’s also a centering tactic …. These gardens, cool and green and lush, filled with flora from all over the world, a gardener’s heaven … When I left my own beloved garden in PA, it affected my mother as much as it did me. She taught me how to garden then, and she proved to me that being over 65 didn’t mean being less physical. My decision to move back to the West Coast was not exactly received with enthusiasm from my family, let alone leaving my gorgeous house and garden, which she had helped establish. And so it was deeply beautiful moment when she paused me by the parked car, before I left it forever, to express with heavy sad-joy, ‘I hope that where ever you land that you will replant new gardens’. It was profound to me that she was able to release her sadness into a wish for the future for me. These Botanical Gardens are part of my replanting. It supplements the small garden we have at here at home. :)
So walking through the Redwood path with G felt like I needed nothing else in life. And then something else occurred to me: I manifested this.
A few years before in the throngs of online dating, the results were producing everything from no-shows, to the most emotionally unfulfilling dates ever. Creating the relationship that I dreamed of seemed as far away as when I was 19 years old, when I first started trying. I realize now that this was a pure reflection of me, not being fully me. As soon as I started being fully authentic and real is when G showed up.
One of the ideas I learned then from S, my spiritual guide, is whatever it is you are looking for to have with someone else, gift it to yourself first. I did a lot of solitary walking those days, which felt cruel, year after year. I was standing in one space in particular - THIS Redwood spot, with my heart completely hurting, WHY am I doing this alone? It makes no sense. Like tragic, full blown frustration, because I just knew that I was not built to walk in this redwood path alone, it was just wrong. It was a complete mix of joy and pain. Full on feelings.
As G and I were padding through the soft dark paths of the Redwood Trail, it completely hit me. I manifested this. I created this. This is what designing your life looks and feels like. I mumbled something timidly to G “I manifested you”and tried putting an exclamation point on it, but just made a note to come back here to write.
I thought there might be a lightning bolt or some massive sign, you arrived, this is it, you did it, but The Awareness of connecting the dots between that first time alone on the trail and then later doing it with G, was one big still silence. It was the Stillness that got me. Peace. And collecting the pattern of thoughts:
You dream it. You do it first for yourself. You BE thing you dream. Then person comes to you. Easy-smeesy.
And best of all, it all happened so organically … Now that I am in the relationship with the Love of My Life, all I can think is, Of course this is what it’s like. I knew this is how it would be since I was little …. My mind immediately compares. I wish I had figured this out sooner. Why did I wait so long? I have sadness in believing other people do it faster, that I missed out.
And then I know I am comparing. The ONLY thing I have to do right now, is be grateful.
Am grateful am grateful am grateful.
And … as usual, there is Art and Design everywhere …. and it’s SO calling me. :)