I think I just figured something else out about the words mindfulness, awake and aware …. So much of life is about making decisions, and I get that there is a difference between making a decision coming out of a head space and a heart space, but I just understood it on a deeper level the other day. Another Inner Shift happened and I want to write it down before I forget the details … It has to do with my losing weight. I’ve been fluctuating 25 pounds since high school - not 25 pounds up and down every year, which would be horrible for my heart - but just kind of gradual up … and never being able to keep it where I want it.
A few background details … I’m big boned and tall so I can “pull it off” in a “socially acceptable way”, whatever that means, and I love food … Food, wine, desserts, all of it. Especially desserts. I’m a feminist so I’m completely pro all body types. I’m healthy too, but because in my early 30’s a ton of strange arthritis was found in both my knees in spite of being a swimmer and hiker, and keeping my bones healthy is super important to me.
AND I have emotions. Not because I’m a girl, but because I’m a human. And I’ve been on this big little journey how to express myself - as for what I need that is supportive of me, not self centered, there’s a difference, instead of pounding sugar into my face. I live with the world’s greatest partner, early on G would actually SAY to me, when I was suddenly standing in the kitchen eating sugar, “what’s wrong, what happened?”, as a way for HIM to try to tap into the emotion. We have always been talking about it, and a few days ago I finally had the inner stuff happen.
The reason I want to write about it is that it’s an act of bravery … The challenge for me is to show / live the inner shift and that this is not a diet, which is a decision that one makes with one’s head. Someone said somewhere, anyone can decide to do something for 6 weeks, 3 months even a year …
It doesn't help me that people like, even LOVE me better when I am skinnier. People love having pretty friends, and that will have to be another post. That has been one of my biggest reasons to keep the weight on. Could you imagine if I had been model skinny and G met me? It’s bad enough that he loves my exterior beauty now. I’m serious. I’m in this for the soul stuff, and it’s completely disconcerting that he thinks I’m beautiful. That’s how strong my soul is, I know when you look at me you are having an exterior experience. …. Like somehow beauty matters. At all.
Anyway, back to my shift. All I can say is that I think I have been trying to find Jesus in a bag of Peanut M&M’s and he’s never there in the morning. There are nights when I sit down to watch a delicious movie, with really smart and emotional writing, amazing visuals, I pour myself a glass of wine, I know I have the dessert in house, and it’s all just LOVELY, and when it’s all over, more and more I think, it’s not worth it. It’s not REALLY valuable. It doesn’t give me anything long term … But it is a happy habit and all I can say is it feels SO GOOD. So good so good so good so good.
I know I’m my parents daughter when I write that we come from an Instant Gratification society, it’s the basis of what makes capitalism work. I know that I play out all my emotions through foods … And maybe food is just a reward for being alive. Food is a reward for suffering, food is a tangible thing that I CAN control. Food is accessible. Food is joy!
And food IS joy for me, I don’t want to lose that part. So what happened the other day that was so big …. I just sort of woke up and felt heavy. I went on a long walk on my own which always creates this amazing calm in me, this part I already know …. Following my intuition means to follow tiny nudges … I have all this artwork I want to design but instead I just started to look at my calendar, and compare it to the time years ago when I lost 20 pounds in 15 months, very intentionally and slowly. I know that 1 pound a month is doable so I just started putting colorful circle stickies into my Georgia O’Keeffe desk calendar with weight goals, and then our google calendar … I spent hours doing this.
Inefficient use of time, I thought, surely I could have done that in 30 minutes and used 2-1/2 hours to work on art? And that’s where this “Slow is faster” idea comes to me from S ….
It WAS, I realized, an act of meditating … 3 hours of looking at weight goals and Georgia O’Keeffe artwork … It was one of the most mindful things I’ve ever done. It might even have been visualizing, ack, which officially makes me a California girl.
And that’s the shift …. I tried explaining this to a friend of mine, that I feel like it was a Meta decision … And I think by Meta we often think we are making a head decision, Big picture! … But by meta I mean I had a wholistic experience about it … It was a deep in my bones experience, it wasn’t a frustrated ‘I’m going to control this once and for all’. It was a very calm decision that I can make other decisions about food. For example, every time I want to eat I could instead design something, that would be HILARIOUS because it would produce a lot of design work.
This feels more awake. Definitely mindful. It feels deeper. It feels gentle.
I want to blog about it too because it’s yet another area in life where we compare or are competitive in our lives. And how comparing is one of the most mindless useless things we can do. It’s another area where we have non-supporters …. Watch her fail, and that German concept of Schadenfreude …. This is where especially when the deep inner stuff is important because it’s a tiny strong inner boundary ….
I want to emphasize that this inner shift that happened is not because I suddenly feel competitive, or that I value being beautiful. (Maybe this can be another post - WHY am I not allowed to be beautiful exactly? I don’t know yet.)
This is a way I am using my intuition that I have never used it before. It’s a deep decision, a mindfulness, an awareness that I can spread through my whole day, like Nutella on bread. Sigh.
I don’t want this post to be about breaking habits because an inner shift is different. It’s a calm even when I feel hungry all the time. Because, I feel like eating all the time, but the inner thing is different.
What brought this inner shift on? Maybe that is the big question, because I know I’ve been trying to make this decision since I was 17 years old. I do know that having followed a professional calling to be more creative was a massive intuitive action. Why would I only use my intuitive powers for one area of my life? I think this is what the expanding concept looks like …. How my Heart brand goes into my personal life …. This is how I use my intuition in my personal life … It’s a way of expanding::
use intuition for everything. How to stay in that heart space more and more …. This is what taking unruly lines of my weight and designing them into something beautiful …. :)
That said, here are my new peanut M&M’s: ART. I created some new icons for my brand, which both extend my brand, and are a unique way to illustrate information about me. <3.
I think the most important understanding is when I’ve been told the work is from inside out, an inside job … That’s what this is. These series of shifts, awakenings are the growth steps, inside first. The order of things make perfect sense to me, as I do the work to set up the External things …. :)