I was listening to Oprah’s two part masterclass the other day, when it suddenly came to me, another layer of my own authenticity. I am AGAIN waiting until I have a part of my life perfectly organized before I continue blogging, or showing up. And so while Square Space gets their stupid server issue resolved, so that I can launch my new website, I’m posting this anyway.
Oprah has amazingly always used her inner intuition as a fierce guide, from her turbulent childhood on up, to follow her voice and most authentic self. I live in awe of her strength and intuitive powers. The big YES! for me was when she says,
“Anybody pretending to be anything other than who you really are, you will never ever reach your personal potential.”
Her original show producers asked her to change her name, and get plastic surgery for her face, and she knew to say no to that. One network producer recognized that she has talent, and the rest is herstory. Can you imagine if Oprah had had plastic surgery, or if changed her name, or not followed her soul? It’s weird the pressure for social conformity is as large as is our love for authenticity.
And with that, I continue on my curvy line path as both a designer and a blogger. I have no idea why I was dumped out on the earth like this - to be specific, born prematurely on a boat in the middle of an ocean - but the combination of writing and designing makes my heart full, so here we go.
I have very bad news. Surrendering sucks. This concept of surrendering, the act of surrendering, which I have maybe like 3 real life examples of, is actually so much harder than I ever thought it would be. The opposite of surrendering is controlling, my absolute favorite hobby, especially the pink one when I get to control my career, because that’s one of shiniest things we get rewarded for. Like I said, I don’t surrender very often. I think I do it well because I’m getting better at living in the moment and being grateful, but it turns out that WHILE I am living in the moment peacefully and being grateful, I am STILL trying to control my universe. I recently fought so hard with my head and thoughts (I think they call this anxiety) that I didn’t sleep and for the first time in my life completely understand people who chronically live with debilitating mental illness, and so I want to write about this surrendering life tool … because: although learning how to do it is horrible, the results are AWESOME.
So is the Voice Tool. They have to go together.
I like to call these days of mine, when I become concretely aware of something, an “art project day” of my life, because it is artful. These days become times when I write and start to imagine how the artwork is going to be. My recent art project day then was - apparently - what does it look like really fight/not surrender, and it gave me a window into a key factor, is how MUCH we/I try to hang onto the illusion of control. The non stop paces we go keeps those little souls of ours at bay, and any learnings down the drain. I am grateful for this morning down time - choosing to use it! - to have the space and time to explain this, because every week seems to be a new lesson. So after the whirl, the sleeplessness, the frenzy, the feeling shredded, I got Peace. Amazing peace. Peace is light and airy and it’s a kind of sleep that is pretty much as delicious as good food. When the peace washed over me, you know, I knew this is what surrendering is. I think I was exhausted and couldn’t fight anymore. Yes, I had to use words to explain some things I needed in my life which will create support, but asking and explaining is very different from controlling.
This is how self awareness works, and the building of it. It has to be hands on. After my years of reading about this stuff. Reading vs. doing.
Surrendering is this super intense walk of balancing Trust, having faith and Speaking, shaping our word and worlds. You do actually also have to BUILD trust, it can’t just be handed to you. And it’s a total bummer, but you certainly can’t control trust. You have to kind of Be trust, and build it. I know this sounds like controlling it, trust is this very fragile alive thing that can’t be forced, but it’s a magical process to build it.
The next total bummer that comes to me, is that you can’t have trust unless you trust yourself first. You do actually have to risk something for yourself. I’m realizing that my path of when I set out on this thing (see sketch on the right) my life here in the Bay Area again, was about finding something I know I love about myself, something I know about myself, in spite of all logical conclusions, I know how inspired I am by this weather, nature, creative thinkers (see sketch on the left). It was something I was willing to trust when I made the move and I made it happen. I suppose for the last years I have been doubting myself, doubting my decision, because I don't have the perfect life, when in fact, I continue every day to find proof of my own self trust.
The mistake is to believe that once our lives are perfect, then we are “doing” the spiritual journey right, when in fact, my soul is always alive and well …. and this is the best part, this is the core strength.
I want to remember these big life turn-stiles for me, when I go through something, because this is the work, this is the process, these are the experiences that are creating a new Anne. The abstract versions of art for this are limitless. What can show zen and not zen? Even better, is when the not-zen lines morph INTO the zen lines …. Yes? So yes. xoxox