I want this for Christmas, just letting Santa know today. It’s the most beautiful $1,499 Epson flat bed printer-scanner ever. I’ve been on a rampage to up my demands in general, not only of Santa. It’s not about controlling my life, it is definitely about stating what I value, seek, want to build on. It’s the value of being engaged …
I suppose it’s been one of the most difficult things to learn, is how to continue to voice, within all my emotions in tact, including socially “negative” ones like anger and frustration … Work within them, through and out of them … I’ve had conveniently low standards about how people fit in my life, I think I fell for the worst gender definition about how to be female : be nice.
I have always believed in excellence, and yet it took me what now feels like eons to see that I’ve managed to accept some seriously bad / non-excellent behavior in my world, even mildly bad behavior : not stepping up, or showing up, give me that time and effort, me somehow always nurturing your wounds instead, because other people’s needs are always more important, clearly … What a growth spurt this has been.
Another growth spurt, being able to love strong women’s own sense of competitiveness. I remember feeling so uncomfortable when Oprah showed her competitive side in a speech she gave at Harvard … I wanted only to see Wise Oprah, that is who I can love. It was shocking to watch / hear her competitive words in her commencement speech. I felt that same discomfort reading Shonda Rhimes in her autobiography The Year of Yes! Shonda Rhimes knows how competitive she is … She can speak about it, she can describe it. That’s amazing. She harnesses it, that’s even more amazing.
This is an important shift for me to understand and feel … Soul has always been important to me, but so has intelligence … I think I may have always divided competitive into two sides: good and bad. If you are that’s bad, or you are a man and then it’s normal, and if you are not competitive then you have soul and that’s good / then you are good. I wanna be like you. Did I fall for a gender divide too, in spite of all my feminism? I just have never admired competitive women because they don’t make me feel good.
If I am going to own all my Emotions - like anger - then I am going to own this thing called being competitive. I am a competitive designer AND listen to squishy Super Soul Sunday with Oprah. I live my Messy Spiritual Life AND buy expensive Epson scanners.
I blame my beloved G for this surge of Me-ness. It is he who routinely walks into my space, fully awake, not non-sleepy, but Awake, and “scripts” something for me about one of my desires or situations. He speaks from his heart, his deepest soul space with his full intelligence and gives me words - new words - to ask for what I seek. Ask for more, don’t back down. I adore his ability to be a feminist in a way probably no woman has taught me. Ironically. Other than all the Women’s Studies books in my world which changed my life. G doesn’t claim feminism as his platform, but he has a remarkable ability to get people to think very differently, and voice differently, with an intact sense of ethics, and justice. Hilarious side note, if he weren’t so completely against mainstream groupings where individual thinking is not encouraged - the hint of sheep like behavior turns him off - he would make a fantastic Pastor, but I think that will have to become a piece of written fiction someday. His greatest strength is how not to live as a doormat. How lucky am I …
So today, I’m grateful for this Nudge, for my voice which I continue to try to push back down, for My Love G, who probably wouldn’t be with me if I did shut down, and for this Epson printer as a slice of inspiration.