Let me tell you how True Love goes. It’s loving something that is also seriously flawed. I’m not talking about my partner, he’s perfect (wink); I am talking about me and San Francisco. I was onto something while living in NYC and there were tons of I love NY or Manhattan jokes floating around, that it’s not worth living anywhere else, love it that much … The time when I met some of the actor community, and people who made a living off of Extra work, picking up other Seasonal work but primarily focused on Extra work, even married couples, who would never live anywhere else for their love of New York City. Meanwhile I was becoming more aware of the small living spaces, on a small island, the noise, the high buildings, lack of light, the dirt, and the garbage cans right next to “beautiful” outdoor restaurant seating … The general intensity for such a large price.
I can and do however have that love for the Bay. Similar and bizarre, the flaws I see with it, don’t lessen my love. It’s shiny and expensive and often too perfect. A white country club? Or just country club? There is an arrogance here, of all the perfection, like over achieving is permanent and secure. A wrong-fascination with success money and wealth and manicuring .... My love is of a SF I never knew but watched happen, is that old 1960’s hippie and city that beckoned outcasts from other parts of the States … The city that has a permissiveness to be whoever you want to be, in higher dosage than other places. Not just a tolerance but an encouragement to be those wide and deep versions of messy authentic self. It was no mistake that I partnered up with a man who adores this Bay Area as much as I do, even if he doesn’t roll himself in it like I do with photography and walks …. Above all, it has space and light and air and nature and culture …
Like all love affairs, they need to be nurtured. Yesterday I felt called to do a long solo walking tour through Noe Valley and Mission. The weather could not be more perfect, the art explodes into my heart ::
My criticism of the bay is interesting when it comes to any kind of mirroring of Self. Criticize being perfect and shiny? Am I still waiting for that shiny and perfect life before I can start living it? I think I kind of am. So this is my intention - which is different I tell you from a new year’s resolution, or maybe just to honor the concept of New Years resolutions - to having that inner shift that feels more deeply my having arrived. If I criticize San Francisco for labeling things like arrived based on outer affirmation, then I want to take that concept and flip it. I am here now, healthy, all kinds of skills deep inside me …. What does it mean to do the Inside (out) work … it means capable of feeling all kinds of love … and play … and delight … and ideas … and bring them to life … And I think the idea is before anyone else really notices anything … :)
Here’s the art, not mine, but that will come, I remembered how to claim it this morning. The city houses, colors, surprise gardens, Mother Nature, red vw beetle bugs, succulent gardens!, German towing signs, the fabulous Delores park gold fire hydrant which saved the mission w/ its water in the big SF earthquake (thank you T for that live tour guide talk !) …. The sound of an electric Muni bus, having stones that have colors in a garden, three hues of Pink on a house (!), and sun sun sun ….
I know too that this idea of Nothing Happens in a Straight (controlled) Line means that I would never have learned this kind of love if I had been awarded the Straight Line Life. It’s being able to say that I didn’t get what I want but my life IS perfect. It’s learning to move past fears and creating a beautiful life anyway.
Blissed out I am and could not be more inspired, golden, grateful, and happy to be alive. Happiest of New Years, then … xoxox