In my emotional sensory travels that is my life, I watch and feel, watch and feel, and I’ve been wondering recently why is love is so hard for people. I think I’m even at the point where I don’t understand why God or the universe gave us brains quite frankly. We use them so badly … We create walls where there are none, every possible tiny chance we get. Or more specifically we create disconnect …. You have a boyfriend, o I don’t have a boyfriend we can’t be friends. You have a successful career, o I don’t so we can’t be friends. You never gain weight, I can’t be friends with you. Who has their mortgage more paid off, who has more money, who owns a home, who follows whatever nutrition laws, and then there’s politics, the blown up version of creating divide. With our brains we compete constantly with each other, and function out of winning that moment. I was having anger around this other day and wanted to start this blog with “I finally figured out why people are such assholes”, but then didn’t feel I could carry it through. My relations are all so nice, so I’ll just tuck it lower into this paragraph.
Any time we talk about someone else, it’s an invitation to look at ourselves. Assholes is a reflection of who I am, which I find problematic because I am completely perfect. Which is hilarious except that I think it’s true. (You are catching the sarcasm, yes?) So, okay, I know there is a certain arrogance of me thinking I’m better with heart stuff than other people, when it is easier here in my blog - my safe space - versus being real, soft, squishy, and tender in person … And I get so tired of personal growth. Digging deeper. It’s so much more fun being externally perfect all the time, and it’s certainly easier. A dear friend recently suggested patience, owning up with her own struggle with having open heart space with people, which was the most generous of admissions, because she’s the consistently-sweetest person I‘ve ever met. We all want to be like her.
Sometimes I get a view of just how easy love is. Love creates all things, love makes all things possible. Love makes impossible things possible. Not romantic love, although that too. I mean a still kind of love that happens when you are really grounded. When I listen to words words words words I try to take a side, help win the argument, solve it with my words and then things get messy sticky stupid and gross. What love act can stop the cycle of words? My latest idea is when I’m with my people to set a timer and all hug each other once an hour … It’s a shame we humans really only have words to try to make way. And it’s why words are so important. You have to think very differently to create new patterns, and to learn how to weave in our heart spaces. I think it is actually like pencil sketching a design or creating a rough draft of a design and massaging the design forward. There are iterations and it’s organic and it always just comes if you keep at it. People is my most difficult canvas because I can’t control you all …. So annoying. But that is what my friend is saying, just like when I design and patiently work through the steps and believe in the final design, that’s what people configurations need too …
New love patterns then: we received a mystery Advent present and it turns out it’s from my little sister … It’s not just the gift - although I’m so easily happy with gifts, it’s my love language - it’s the action step of love … I’m grateful and inspired ….