I love that G and I both come from family traditions that celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve, so the segue into being a couple makes last night easily the special one … The new potential Christmas tradition for me is to take a hot bath with Epson salt, candles light, listening to water noises on Calm. Wondering if white wine takes away the benefits that Epson salt is supposed to have? What about double stuffed Oreos? In any case, this whole journey of learning how to tap into that body knowledge, that heart space, heart wisdom, why did taking hot bathes never come up in session? Culturally I seriously think that my Germany Grossmutti never took a hot bath, and my mother … well is it too much of a stretch to say she doesn’t believe in them? Interviewing her to get cultural truths in a non-defensive kind of way, is the goal, but ultimately fiction might win. But I do remember that there is a general disregard of the kind of pampering American women “all do” … Maybe I’m making this part up, too. I do know and remember that giving Mom breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day when we were younger was a catastrophe … Do you all feel like good daughters now? Let me get at my DAY, enough! Los! We thought we were fabulous … In any case, I’m not sure there is anything else in life that is as delicious as hot bath. Not hiking, massages, sleeping, hammocks … I think we are supposed to be this mellow and chill in our lives, all the time.. I think this is the goal. It’s a life changer for me. I love that the first weeks G and I were together he would make a bath for me (!) and light candles, bring me wine and let me just be for as long as I needed to stop hurting. Yes I am aware that men think of sex all the time, but this man has the added awareness that taking care of our minds / bodies just has to be tended to. I asked him today on Christmas Day, remember when you used to … ? And love that he remembered, that I was his Princess, it was his job to take care of his princess, zero sarcasm … He’s a keeper. He first knew me when I was unraveling from physical exhaustion and saw bigger than what I was then. Maybe my first example of meeting someone who could really think differently - not just what is, but what will be …
Germans seem to make a bee line towards the Bay Area, is it because it used to rain here, or because of the amazing mild and crisp temperature. Certainly the magnificent nature and the sun … Is is the whopping permission to do this overused phrase called self care? Hot baths are amaaaaazing …. Swimming in a heated outdoor pool is amaaaaaaazing … Being around people to dare to think very very differently is amaazing. It’s not utopia here, we still muddle through our humanity, but for the most part I do feel like I live in the Garden of Eden without the snake issue. Or somehow the snake just co exists with us ... Adam and Eve had an amazing life coach spiritual guide and learned how to set fabulous boundaries with it, and live without judgment. Talk about amazing.
With this level of body happiness I can genuinely love the small details with full deep gratitude::
My East Coast parents' beautiful real fir Christmas tree with red candles on it … The memory of the stillness when the first candles are light … The amazing careful mindfulness there is to have a fresh tree with real candles … The German straw stars she made and was given, which I have said my whole life I want to recreate all of them … The glass heart ornament gift! WOOL, more wool … The blue foil snowflake window ornament … The old fashioned juicer to finally make homemade V8 juice for me and G … The Swedish dishcloths connecting me to my German childhood - lady bugs and porcupines …. A calendar of a photographer, Radiographs of Nature by Steven N. Meyers, inspirational! I have no idea what the wooden clip thing is but it has hearts carved into it so that’s all that matters. I love it, seriously. A lavender and flaxseed filled curved neck pillow that you can heat up and wear on your shoulders to relax muscle tension, and the most amazing set of warm scarves to cover most of my upper body. Other Generosities that are absolutely astounding. For this lover of things and gifts, it’s completely speaking my love language. Grateful grateful grateful grateful.
Why have I not taken more Epson salt baths? Why is this not routinely part of my life? Apparently this speaks to me, or more specifically, my body. It changes me … It quiets me. It makes me fight less. God, yes! It makes my brain less about wanting to change the design of my life - like how I wish all my families could be together and I wish we could all be near that candle light Christmas tree - and makes me just truly be happy about everyone being where they are, physically, emotionally, and makes me really able to Be In The Moment, alive, healthy and trusting in, yes, the divine order of things. Which, to me, isn’t about God taking power away from me, it’s just the magic of love swishing through our lives, whether we call it God or The Universe. The divine order of things is just magical and sweet and . …
It’s not something we can solve with our heads.
How utterly fascinating.
Maybe just maybe the realization that matters is that I need to learn how to fight less. Maybe all the times \ I’ve believed I know how to surrender, or even just cutely relax, I’ve had this hidden fury inside me. I think I’ve always respected women fighters ... I do love the Wonder Woman plot and how it takes getting the shit kicked out of her to realize just how strong she is, how magically and uniquely strong she is … But I have not been able to figure out when to do battle and when not to … for which part of my life to be incredibly strong and when to (fucking) let go. I come from such ridiculously strong women. Not blaming or complaining but that’s my grid. I LOVE their strength. And I think I’m still at the verge of discovering how magically and uniquely strong I am. I somehow just know this is true.
Letting go might actually need to include regular Epson salt baths, because nothing else really breaks through into my fight mode …
Yesterday I was (again) smothered with love by my world, near and far. Something propelled me to take a bath today and write some journal pages, first Christmas ever, which makes the gift giving complete: letting your love in, and then giving myself the gift of letting my love in. Both things need to happen, me for myself and me in the world too.
So here’s to more good me-decisions … Merry Christmas and sending love ….