I had a really amazing Inner Shift happen today … So light and airy, impossible to touch and even less possible to hold, I feel the need to write about it immediately because I won’t remember tomorrow but hopefully I will … It was the kind of a feeling that you can’t create, or bring on, or force … It was a feeling of belonging “like” I have never really felt before. Possibly a stretch of a statement. I felt a connectedness today with my group of people like that was …. sweet … It wasn’t because they appealed to my ego or because anything special happened. They didn’t give me anything in particular … Sure, it matters that everyone in my group I actually like, and I am through this experience aware how important it is to build a group of people who just basically like and respect each other, people who can deal evenly with the waves of life …. The creation of a beautiful team, relationship, friendship, marriage is soooo valuable … The connected feeling today was from me … It was from my interior. It was a sense that a part of my struggle is over, like I own more of a permanent surrender … A surrendering that is bigger and more universal than I’ve ever felt before.
I’m sad too because I feel like this kind of inner world fine tuning is what so many aspects of our society is missing … I was listening to NPR tonight talk about gun violence and the ridiculous number of shootings that happened in the US this year alone … Also the fires we in California are having, and one reporter said that we are beginning to see shootings like another natural disaster, like wild fires. The report and conversation goes towards politics and the NRA and gun violence and mental illness …. Two things occurred to me tonight as I continued to feel this incredibly inner Peace, one, how NUMB we are, (not new information, I know) and two, that the shooters are essentially “expressing themselves”. Shocking comparison, to realize that killing people might make a person feel something, or feel they have made a statement, or affected the world. It’s the worst possible way of expressing themselves, but it’s still an expression, it’s a ton of emotions, possibly even built up, with a massive outlet. And how ill we are as a country, nations, not to be able to do anything about both the numbness and the permission to express ourselves … Again and again I revisit WHY I think self expression is so important, I see and feel another layer to what it is I’m trying to do over here with this website - creativity and vulnerable real authenticity - when I think of gun violence … But I do just essentially believe that all our pent up feelings and frustrations can be funneled into ways that are ultimately about connecting, not all the stupid ways we disconnect from each other … I EVEN had a wave of compassion for those wee little NRA people … For just not knowing how much more life could be, like it’s almost not their fault, they just don’t have the TOOLS to be more aware, more real, so you see how content and peaceful I feel? ….
Shared vulnerability over the really tough things can make a dent out of the incredible isolation that is everywhere …. That’s my inspiration for today … Which I am posting intentionally with photos of really pale white flowers and gray stones, because there is no black and white …