Pink dahlias, sprouting up a block away from me, and posting now. Out of all the dahlias I’ve seen in my life here in the bay, Germany and Pennsylvania, I’ve never seen pink ones. I have also never seen love like this, which makes for the perfect pairing.
Celebrating day 455 of love with G …. I am aware that we have entered another layer of intimacy. On this day, somehow he never heard from me about the abusive relationship I lived in eons ago … The kind of thing parents never want for their children, the kind of thing so surreal for me that all I could do is observe and journal about it, knowing that it was something I had to feel my way through and use it as a guide of learning how to trust myself. I made a mistake, what did I learn. It was in part my naive heart entering a love relationship with a recovering alcoholic and believing that recovery was easy and a simple choice towards goodness and wholesomeness. Of course you are rejecting that old life, welcome to mine, is what I remember actually believing. How adorable. The problem with raising a pure hearted little girl and sending her out in the world and having genuinely no idea about violent alcoholism or psychological abuse … I knew once I was in it that I would have to get myself out, totally a humbling experience because I was so very wrong about a thing. It wasn’t just being young and naive and raised in a very protected pastor family, it was also my youthful sureness that I was Right. Mistakes are always a Guide and there are always Gifts. I learned Observation skills, like living on a war front. I learned Resilience, too, but it would take me many more years to understand that this was not something to patiently endure. Forces of good and evil all in one, I did get a mini-Barnard College education during this time, having been guided by my then partner, to my dream career as a designer. It was the first time I met someone who was taught how to Think Big, how to Dream Big, and more than that, how to instill action steps, how to manifest a Dream. Amazing how how I built a career in design so hugely successful all from really good advice from one person. But she wasn’t just one person, she was the result of a life time of elite private schooling, and that ended up being her gift to me. As much as I am pro public schooling, I am aware that the highly successful people I’ve met in my life, or who have influenced my life, are products of private and seriously focused schooling. Financial and educational privilege is so wrong and unethical, and I worry about this structure holding our society back from progress. And yet, my soul, heart and mind did find its' way out of public schooling and gravitated towards big unconventional thinkers, and my life continues to be lead by instinct, not situation. So I an inclined to believe that structures in general are not the problem, I am inclined to believe that the problem is we are not taught to live out those instincts, intuitions and intelligence which we all have …
Apparently the best way I learn anything is to get my hands on a thing, live it. Through the window of abuse years ago, I apparently and amazingly kept my heart open just enough … With lots of swooshing, winged, inner and outer flying moment, even in and around more variations of bullies, I landed in another place, over time and space and intention :: here with G, the pink dahlias, dew drops, ocean air and endless evergreens. I did not then say “this is good enough”, I did not then say “there are enough benefits to make it worth it”.
And so here now, with my beloved, beloved, man whose dating profile essay I just re-read from my journal just for kicks, I know again and even more that this is a large and mutual heart space is not one to be doubted, and that of course we moved in with each other so quickly. Such kindness, patience, nurturing and Seeing I receive from him, and try to give in equal proportion … I have cried for hours through nights with this man while he listened, and not reacting… I think of the words of Brene Brown about men who have done “their inner work”, and Brene’s call to us “to find our way back to each other”:: He and I did. Also knowing that towards healing, I am shedding a body-shell with releases like that, and at the same time testing out who he is, what his character is made of … I, and he & I have been tested by the “for worse” part of the for-better-or-worse vows, which we have not yet taken formerly, but on some level live it already. Again and again and moment after moment, I land in a place of soft heart beauty with him, but also with myself, because relationships can’t happen without mirroring … This relationship Reflecting brings inner reflections, and this is how growth and change happens. He creates a constant invitation for me, for which of course I am so grateful and also try to actually let in, to actually feel it deeply, because as open and awake as I like to believe I am, G continues to surprise me in ways that I feel like I still can become more open … And so at the risk of sounding like a lecture, I am so glad that for all the relationships I tried to kind of force, that this is the one that came to be so effortlessly and naturally. In that surrendering state the rewards are so …. Well, like a delightful, rare-to-me, precious, adorable, pink dahlia.
This, is my Grid for all things to come. xoox